Tutoring
by Lria
Summary: Cartman's mom thinks her son is failing in math. She decides to hire Kyle for the day to tutor Cartman since she will be "busy." Kyle and Cartman end up doing different events than planned. Kyle/Cartman Oneshot.


**A/N: **I'm officially a huge fan of Sidney Crosby. We fucking won! Though I was so fucking mad when the Americans shot it in at 20 seconds left! I was like, "FUCK FUCK FUCKKK FUCKK!"But yeah, I'm okay now. I'm so glad we won; if we didn't, I swear to god I would kill USA. But we won, so it's good. :)

YAYAYAYAY SIDNEY CROSBY! 3

So anyways, I was bored and I decided to write a bit. Here's to all the fans of this couple, and this is like the first story I did that is Kyle/Cartman. I've been reading this pairing lately, and I think I'm starting to like it. :)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own South Park, but I do love Sidney Crosby.

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"But mooommm," Cartman whined to his mom, begging her, "I don't need a tutor! I don't even want to do my math; I get it! 'Cause I'm super smart like that!"

However, Liane disagreed with her son. "I'm sorry Eric, but you need to finish your math. I don't think you're getting what it means."

"Buut moooooom, you can teach me."

Liane's eyes darted, nervously, "Oh, but mommy's going to be a bit _busy_ today." Cartman pouted, just to try and make her change her mind. But it didn't, instead, it got worse. "So I hired your friend; Mr. Broflovski's son to help you catch up."

Cartman felt like he was hearing things. "What?" His childish voice gone and now replaced with a serious tone.

"Your little friend, Kyle, he's going to help you in math." She repeated, grabbing her keys and then saying, "Well, I'll be going now, poopsikins. Make sure you learn your math!"

And she left. Cartman stood there, flabbergasted. Did she just say what he thought she said? Kyle, _his friend_? Fuck, they weren't _friends_, they were never friends! Holy fuck his mom is fucked up!

His doorbell rang. He knew who it was. But he's not answering it. No way in _hell_ is he going to ever answer that door.

Then he heard Kyle screech, "Cartman? Cartman! Open the fucking door! I know you're in there! Dude, I don't want to fucking teach you either, but I don't have a fucking choice!"

Cartman groaned, and yelled back, "No! Go away, Jew boy! You're not being my math tutor! No way in fucking hell!"

Kyle unlocked the door, much to Cartman's surprise. "Dude, I knew this will happen so your mom gave an extra pair of keys."

"Dude, weak! What the fuck, Jew! Jews are not fucking allowed in my house!"

"Shut the fuck up, fatass! Not like I want to teach you either! I don't fucking give a crap about you, asshole!"

"Then why didn't you just leave! Stop being such a fucking Jew fag and go back to your little Jew fag home and be a Jew!"

Kyle erupted, pissed off about what just came out of Cartman's mouth. "That's it! I'm tired of you belittling my religion; I'm tired of you always being such a fat fuck!"

"Well what are you gonna do about it, Jew? How are you gonna solve the problems with your little skinny Jew legs?"

"I'm going to kick your fucking ass."

Cartman snorted, "You? Trying to beat up me? No way in hell, Jew! I'm like, way stronger than you'll ever be in your whole entire fucking life!"

"Then bring it! If I win, I'm tutoring you, _and_ you will not make fun of my religion ever! And if you win-"

"You'll have to suck mah balls.

"Dude, fuck no! I'm not sucking your balls, fatass! Choose something else!"

"No, or I'll automatically win and you'll have to listen to me for the whole year."

"The whole year?! Dude, no! That's way too long!"

"Then you can suck mah balls, Kahl. What do you want?"

"I'm going to win, fatass."

Cartman sneered, "Oh yeah? You wish you'd win. But you won't, 'cause I'm way too strong for you, Kahl! When I win, you'll be crying here, sucking mah balls, and I'll be licking your tears. Those salty Jew tears, they're probably so good!"

And then the match started. Kyle started punching Cartman, and Cartman kicked him. It alternated, both of them kicking and punching and wrestling with each other.

"Kahl, stop," Cartman breathed, after a few minutes. "You're not being fair! Hey, Jew, I said stop! Stop it, Kahl, it hurts! Ow, stop it, Kahl!"

"Only," Kyle panted between words, "if you admit you lose!"

"Fine, fine!"

Kyle stopped, and Cartman grinned as he headed for another punch; taking advantage of this.

"Cartman, you lost! You just admitted it!"

Kyle, over his anger, began to punch and kick Cartman harder than ever.

"Ow, stop Kahl! You're hitting me too hard! Kahl, I said stop! Ow, Kahl! Hey, stop it!" Kyle didn't budge. He wasn't going to fall for the same trick twice. Don't underestimate Jews. Finally, Cartman surrendered, "Okay, okay! I give up, Jew! You win, now stop kicking me! Ow, Kahl, I said I give up!"

"For real this time, Cartman?"

"Yeah! Now stop it, you Jew!"

Kyle let Cartman go, and this time Cartman didn't fight back again. "Ha!" Kyle gasped, "I beat you."

"S-Shut up, Jew fag," Cartman stuttered, "I-I just went easy on you."

"Yeah sure, asshole, like I'd believe that. You lost, now you can't belittle my religion anymore!" Kyle exclaimed, but then remembered that he still needed to tutor him now. So, partly he did want to win, partly he didn't really want to.

"Goddamn it, Jew! You just wanted to win because you want to teach me math! With your little Je-" As Cartman started to say that word, Kyle stopped him.

"Dude!" Kyle snapped. "I said if I won, you're not supposed to belittle my religion again!"

Cartman laughed in a way where Kyle almost wanted to jump out and punch him again. "Yeah right, Kahl. Just because you won a little bet, doesn't mean I'll listen to you and never call you a Jew again."

That was it. That was the last straw. Kyle dashed up to the fat boy with a fist, and punched him straight across the arm.

Cartman yelped in pain at the sudden movement. "Ow, what the fuck, Kyle!"

"Every time you call me a Jew, or be racist to my religion, I'm going to kick your ass." Kyle growled, his fiery glaze burned into Cartman's pupils.

Cartman would be lying if he said he wasn't scared. But he wasn't going to lose to Kyle. Then, he came up with something. He smirked, his eyes gleaming. "Okay then, _Christian_. Where's your cross with Jesus, you little Christian boy?"

Kyle gritted his teeth. He knew Cartman had gone way too far. Though he wasn't making fun of his real religion, he couldn't help but feel angry also.

"So, are you gonna teach me some math, _Christian_?"

Surprisingly, Kyle kept his anger controlled. "Yeah, I will, fatass."

"Okay then. My stupid mom says I need to work on my algebra... Wait. What? Algebra?! Dude, no, that's so fucking weak! I'm so not learning algebra from a Christian!"

"Shut up, asshole," Kyle growled as he brought out his math textbook. "Let's get this fucking crap over with."

"Yeah, yeah, Christian, shut your little gay Christian mouth."

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"Cartman," Kyle screamed, eyebrows furrowing in rage. "Stop it! Stop trying to slam mine!"

Three hours had pasted since their little bet, and now two of them sprawled over Cartman's carpet in front of his TV playing Wii. Their opened textbooks were left on top of the kitchen table and were still at the same page. Their pencil lead was still sharp and pointy. Nothing had been used.

"AY!" Cartman bellowed in an outrageous voice "You stupid Christian, don't fucking shove my car off the track!"

And, once again, Cartman still called Kyle a Christian instead of a Jew. Kyle, though, wasn't all that mad. Though Jewish people would certainly be raging anger if someone called them a Christian, Kyle did not.

He was way more pissed at Cartman calling him a Jew instead of a Christian.

Kyle gritted his teeth, "Dude! What the fuck, you dickhole! Now I'm fucking 4th place!"

Cartman let out his laughter, "AHAHAHAHHAHAH! Well, that's what you get, Kahl, for being such an ass fuck when you shoved mine of the fucking track!"

"That was once!"

Cartman growled, "I don't give a fuck if it was once or twice! I'm just pissed 'cause you kicked me off the fucking road!"

The Jewish boy groaned, "Fucking asshole."

Cartman paused the game and strolled into the kitchen. Kyle was surprised when the PAUSE sign appeared on the TV screen. "What the fuck, fatass! That was the fucking 10th time you got up and went to the kitchen for food!"

Cartman yelled back sarcastically, "Oh, I so totally come in because I'm not hungry, smartass!"

Suddenly, they heard something that made them both stop what they were doing in a heap. Engine sounds, right outside the door.

Cartman's mom was back.

"Fuck!" Cartman swore in frustration, "Get your fucking ass in here you Christian! My mom's back!" He suddenly caught up and added, "Oh, and shut off the fucking TV!" He hissed.

"No shit, dude!" Kyle retorted, dashing into the kitchen after briskly shoving a finger to the power button on the TV. The screen turned black. "I'm going to lie with you just this one time only because I don't want to have to come over to your house again to tutor you."

"Yeah sure, whatever, dude."

They both started writing down random things. And just as the door unlocked and opened, Kyle cleared his throat and said, "And that's how you do it, Cartman!"

Cartman let out a fake happiness response. "Oh, I see, Kahl! So _that's_ how you do it!"

Liane came into the kitchen and smiled. They were doing their work.

She would never tell her son about what she was doing for three hours. But they also had a secret that she didn't know.

Well, to put it easily, maybe algebra is _kind of_ fun in a way.

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**A/N:** Yeah, when you slack off. :D Okay basically, this story had NO plot to it whatsoever. I just decided to write down what I was thinking.

Ah well.

Review if you want.


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